A parent’s role in helping children deal with grief
Death is a natural part of the life cycle and is so very hard to deal with. So we can only barely imagine how hard it is to deal with premature death when that happens. Imagine the pain of  hearing of these deaths; it is unbearable, shocking and heart breaking.
Each one of us as adults cope with difficult and shocking news differently, which is fine and to be expected. Being parents in a community that has been hard hit by the tragic loss of a young person and following the collective losses of some of Israel’s finest raises many questions about  how to talk to children, including what to say, what not to say, what to share and what not to share.
Step one: Make sure you attend to your own grief and coping needs  You are a role model and how you deal with grief will be noticed by your children.
·               Share your feelings, pain, deep concern and shock with close relatives and friends.
·               Find a healthy way to deal with your pain by doing yoga, expressive art journalling, or any other physical or mental activity that resonates with you.
·               Ask for support and help from people around you.
·               Cry! Crying is normal reaction to pain and loss and is in fact a healthy outlet.
.               Treat yourself with compassion. Telling yourself how you SHOULD feel or SHOULD cope wastes precious healing energy. Allow yourself to feel how and what you feel.
Step two: Make a plan about how you’d like to talk to your children and what you want them to know. Think ahead of the outcome and what you want to feel about the interactive process after it has taken place.  If you feel uncomfortable talking about it, they will sense it. Set the stage for a positive interaction. You can do it!
·               Take into consideration the developmental stages of your children. Death provokes fear and an overwhelming sensation in young children, as it is a very difficult concept for them to grasp. Remember they will only digest what they can.
·               When you talk to your child make sure you are honest, calm, reassuring and empathetic. Be prepared to let them know that some questions have no answers and that you share their confusion.
·               Use open ended questions such as: How do you feel? What is the most difficult thing for you right now? Do you have questions about any of this?
·               Share your own emotions with your child. For example: I feel very sad right now. It is hard to lose someone you love so much. I am so sad but I am so lucky that I can share my hard feelings with you.
·               People tend to focus on details about what happened and try to gather as much information as possible as part of our brain’s attempt to make sense of all that has happened. We are curious creatures and so are our children. It is important to stress that the details are not important; the important part is facing the hard feelings and to voice them in any constructive way they know how.
·               Your kids are the best barometer for how much to share detail-wise. If you continue to struggle as to what to say or how to set the stage, take cues from them. Kids ask the most clever questions. They will ask exactly for some of the  information they want or need.
Step three: Role model how you are dealing with your own grief. Don’t try to hide your pain or avoid discussing it. Children have highly attuned senses to what you emote, and can feel you even when you are silent. In your silence, children will fill the gap on their own and their assumptions may be more frightening than the truth. To reiterate, grief is part of life, and by role modeling your coping strategies with your children you are giving them resourceful tools which will serve them greatly in the future.
Step four: Find a way to remember or mourn the loss with your child on their level. Many cultures have specific customs for mourning, but you can create your own rituals. Light a candle, say a prayer, draw a picture, write a poem. Some people find these experiences both therapeutic and healing.
Step five: Tragedy provides great opportunities to acknowledge positive traits in people and communities. You can share with your child how grateful you are to be part of a community that cares so much about its members. A proactive community that unites and shows her love and respect. You can talk with your child about the importance of family and how much you love them.